Can I Be Happy, Living With Your Ghost?
by misssophie23
Summary: You never forget your first love. Never. Especially not when they keep being your best friend, like Bellamy and Clarke. They both moved on with different people, but their hearts hadn't forgotten where they truly belonged. But Bellamy and Clarke always had the worst timing and life is a bitch, so they have to go through a lot before finding what they really want - or who.
1. Better Than Me

Alright guys, I'm writing this fiction since almost forever. I had a pretty big break in between but I decided to start upload it now (I'm a little ahead of you, so I think there won't be any problems in uploading). I hope you enjoy the fiction as much as I do writing it. It will change between Clarke's and Bellamy's POV. The first three chapters will be a flashback ...

Thank you for my beta Marie ( .com) for correcting my mistakes and the wonderful and-so-we-meet-again ( /users/andsowemeetagain/pseuds/andsowemeetagain) for your feedback.

Flashback to summer 2007 ... Clarke and Bellamy met each other's parents for the very first time ... Clarke's POV

 **Better Than Me**

 **June 2007  
**

She looked at her parents nervously. Her heart was racing, her palms sweaty and everything in her head was spinning. Would they like him? Would they think that he was good enough for her? Despite that, she didn't care even if her parents thought he wasn't.

She liked this guy, very much. He made her laugh. He made her feel comfortable. She could tell him everything and be herself around him, no matter what. He didn't judge her – not anymore.

They were together for a few weeks only but she knew what kind of feelings she felt when she was with him. When she was thinking about him. It was trust and respect and pure love.

She fell head over heals for him. He was her everything. The most important person in her life. Her big love. She couldn't imagine being without him. She even hated not being with him while she slept.

He did funny things to her body, to her mind and she enjoyed every second. And so did he. She knew because they were writing and speaking to each other all day and all night when they weren't together. She even sneaked out of her bedroom a few times to spend time with him.

It was very exciting and somehow dangerous because no one knew. They didn't want anyone to find out. It was a secret. Their secret … for different reasons. On one hand they liked the tension that was created by keeping it a secret.

On the other hand, and the more important reason, they were scared that the acknowledgement of their relationship by others would destroy its beauty. That they (and their feelings) weren't strong enough for not caring about what others were thinking.

Apparently they were. They started with their friends, who were happy for both of them. Who didn't give a damn about social differences and disparities. Her, the golden princess with wealthy parents and him, the rebel king without any money but a heart as good as gold.

Two different people. Two different societies and yet they had found each other.

Normally she wouldn't say or believe it but it was like he was her perfect match, her soulmate. So meeting each other's parents was such a big and important thing.

"And?" Asked Clarke shortly, biting her bottom lip in impatience.

They just said goodbye to Bellamy's mother and him who'd spent the last three hours in the Griffin's house.

It was the first meeting at all.

Clarke had been incredibly nervous to make a good impression on Aurora, while Bellamy tried to impress the hosts. For anyone who wasn't Bellamy and Clarke it must have been a quite enjoyable and funny night. Two teenagers meeting the others parents for the first time, trying to make a good impression and also helping the other not to go down under their parents glances.

Jake and Abby exchanged an amused smile, which made Clarke even more nervous and a little furious. At these times she really hated her parents. They loved teasing her. When her face heated up Jake barked out a laugh and put his arm around his daughter.

"Oh kiddo, don't be mad at us for loving you and thinking how cute you are." He squeezed her closer, making Clarke roll her eyes and shoving him away – a little.

"Don't mess with me, dad. You know how important this was to me."

"I know," said her father, now more serious.

A little too serious if you asked Clarke. Great – they didn't like him.

Panic started in Clarke's head. She would tell her parents that it didn't matter if they like Bellamy. That she was planning to keep seeing him no matter what, but obviously she didn't have to because her mother smiled from one ear to another and her dad's breast swell with pride.

"You like him?"

Her voice was high pitched, anxious and excited at once. Her heart was jumping harder in its ribcage. Her knees went weak, but not as much as she thought because Clarke jumped when her parents nodded to her question. A loud squeal from the blonde made Abby and Jake laugh again and this time Clarke didn't care.

They liked Bellamy Blake. The guy she liked.

Her boyfriend.

"I think he is a very decent young man," smiled Abby and Jake added,

"Very charming and responsible."

"He really is," grinned Clarke. The happiness spreading through her bones and over her face. "I really like him."

"We could tell."

"And he likes you just as much."

Clarke's heart busted wildly. She was relieved, so fucking relieved that her parents liked Bellamy. She had to tell him. Like, right now. She needed to tell him that her parents liked him. She wanted to share the relief and the happiness she was feeling because everything seemed to be okay and alright.

"And what do you think about Aurora?" Interfered Jake into Clarke's thoughts and her high got ticked-off a little.

What was his mother thinking about her? What was Clarke thinking about her?

Aurora had been nice and polite to her, but didn't give any indication away how she felt about Clarke … or her life. Did she like her? Did it matter to Bellamy what his mom was thinking?

Of course they both had said that they didn't care but the truth was – it was the most important thing to both of them.

That their parents liked the other one. She wasn't sure if Bellamy would stay with her if his mother didn't approve. But why shouldn't she? Clarke didn't do anything to offend her, right?

She didn't feel uncomfortable or had been subtly mad. Aurora was a parent just like hers. One who probably didn't want to judge to early or who gave anything away too easily.

Clarke started chewing on her bottom lip again, kneading her palms. "I think she is nice and likable?"

Jake's frowning lightened up a little, which made Clarke feeling a little better, a little safer.

"She seems like a nice woman. Maybe a little quiet but you can't blame her … when your mom is the one who always talks every time."

Her father winked at Clarke and Abby slapped her husband into the shoulder, offended,

"This is absolutely not true Jake!" All three of them started to laugh.

"I'm sure she likes you Clarke. Don't worry about it. She is a mother. And there is nothing more important to us than seeing our kids happy," smoothed Abby, whipping Clarke's last worries away.

And with that she rushed upstairs into her bedroom, heart still filled with joy when she scrolled through her contacts to call Bellamy.

The sound of her heartbeat was echoing through her ears, exciting and desperate for talking to her boyfriend about the evening. She bit her bottom lip down to stop grinning like a goofy, even though it seemed like forever for Bellamy to pick up. Which was unusual because he normally picked up at the first ringing.

But the moment the ringing stopped and she heard him breathing on the other end of the line it busted out of her. Clarke couldn't keep it in any longer,

"My parents like you!"

She squealed out of joy. The grin on her lips was so big that it started to hurt but Clarke didn't care. She was happy. Her parents liked Bellamy.

" _Well, this is good, isn't it?"_ Chuckled Bellamy and Clarke nodded, despite that Bellamy couldn't see her. But she wished he was.

"Oh I wish you were here Bell."

" _Me too."_

This time he sounded sad. And it wasn't the usual 'I miss you' five minutes later after they had seen each other. It was a different sound, like something was on his mind. She didn't hear this voice often in the last weeks, so it scared her even more. The grin faded a little, her heart beat faster.

She frowned, "Something wrong?"

Silence. Silence was never good. Silence was bad. Worse than bad!

"Bellamy?"

She heard him swallowing. Her stomach tightened. A cold shiver ran down her back. He breathed through his nose loudly before his rough voice reached her ear.

" _I just miss you."_

His voice was thick, like he was trying not to cry. Not letting it out, keeping his emotions in check. This time it was Clarke who swallowed thickly. Her throat glued together, her heart jumping in the chest but not because of joy but because of worries.

Clarke felt tears pooling in her eyes because his words, his voice, told her that something was wrong. How could it be? They just had a wonderful evening together. He had been away for half an hour, forty minutes max. What the fuck happened that he was like this? That he sounded so broken … .

The first tear fell and Clarke whipped it away furiously, taking a deep breath before speaking to Bellamy, trying to keep her voice under control. He didn't have to know she was crying.

"Bellamy, please tell me what happened. You are scaring the hell out of me."

" _Don't cry on me princess,"_ begged Bellamy, panic in his voice.

She knew that he hated seeing her cry. And she hated that he knew even though he wasn't here. That she couldn't keep her voice in check so he wouldn't notice.

"I'm not." Lied Clarke and her voice broke at the end. She sniffled, pressing her hand on her eyes, telling her body to stop producing tears.

" _You are."_

"Then tell me what your fucking problem is!" Screamed Clarke into the speaker and tears rolled over her cheeks.

"Did I do something wrong tonight?"

" _No -"_

"Was it something my parents did?"

" _No, no Clarke everything was just great tonight. It -"_

Again she cut him off, furious and mad that he didn't tell her what happened.

"But it has to be -"

" _It's my mom Clarke, okay?!"_

He yelled into the phone, his voice mad and desperate at the same time. Her heart skipped a beat. His mother?

"Did, did something happen? Is she okay?"

Her words were shaking. She felt bad for forcing him to tell her just because she thought she did something wrong and couldn't handle being left in the dark.

There was a loud sigh on the end of the line. _"She's fine."_

"O-okay … she, she doesn't like me?"

" _No, she does. She thinks you are a great girl."_

Clarke didn't get anything. What was the problem then, if she was okay and Aurora liked Clarke? Clarke licked her lips, shaking her head. "I don't get it Bellamy."

He sighed, long and loud. Then,

" _She … she doesn't think it's right."_

"What does she mean by that?"

Clarke was afraid of his answer because she already knew it. She knew and still couldn't understand. The evening had been great. They had had fun, despite Aurora had been a little quiet – she never looked like she felt uncomfortable or anything.

The blonde swallowed, the time ticking by. Second by second and Bellamy didn't say anything and yet so much.

So Clarke grabbed all her strength together and asked what she was afraid of,

"And what does this mean?"

" _I don't know. It's just – somehow she is right."_

"Right about what?"

Her voice echoed in her head, hoarsely. Her heartbeat picked up. Was Bellamy thinking what Clarke thought he was? The palm she was holding her phone in sweated. Her heartbeat was loud and hard.

" _She said that, look Clarke, you and your parents … you live in a completely different world than us. You have money and so many great opportunities. Me, I'll never be able to give you what you need. I'll never earn enough money to make your dreams come true. There won't be any holidays in New York or in Europe. No big house and fancy dresses or jewels. I won't go to a big university and become a doctor or judge. I'll be stuck here forever and I don't want to bring you down. I won't let you give up your dreams and chances. You deserve more than the life I can offer. Much more. You, you don't fit into my world in the long run."_

His voice was low and thick, rough and shaking. Just like Clarke's whole body. Her heart beat so fast she was sure if it would go a little faster she would die. Her stomach wrenched, one shiver after the other ran down her back, making her sick.

Tears dropping down her cheek because of his words. It took all her strength to speak again, the fear of him breaking up with her, right in her heart.

"That's not true Bellamy. And you know that. You don't know what I want and what I need. Maybe I don't want a life like my parents have, okay? Maybe all I want is you, no matter what. May-maybe I don't give a shit about money and opportunities. This is not fair and you know that … just because your mom –"

" _It's not only because of my mom Clarke. We both knew about this –"_

"Exactly! This is why I don't understand why it's such a big problem right now. Which it isn't for me! You know that I don't care about money –"

" _Not now!"_ Bellamy cut her off and he sounded sour. Clarke huffed offended, "You don't –"

" _Come on Clarke, we both know that you want to study at Yale or Harvard or abroad."_

"Maybe I don't want –" Tried Clarke, but Bellamy cut her short again.

" _And I don't want to be the reason for you not to go, okay? I couldn't live with that."_

"You could come with me!" Suggested Clarke and her voice was filled with tears.

She pulled her legs closer, wrapping her arm around it and wobbling. Clarke couldn't believe Bellamy and her first fight was about their relationship as a whole … and would probably end with a break up … which she didn't want to. Why couldn't he see this? Why couldn't he stop saying all these things? Things that were hurting her, making her cry and sick.

" _You know I can't afford to live in a city like Cambridge. How would I earn money? With a job as what? A janitor?"_ He scoffed. _"Yeah, amazing future prospects."_

Clarke squeezed her eyes shot. She was shaking her head, sobbing into the phone. Her heart breaking with every beat. How could this happened? They had such a nice evening and now she was talking to Bellamy who … who tried to break things with her?!

" _Clarke_ ," his voice was gentle, worry flew with it.

" _Please_ ," he pleaded (his voice rough from hiding the tears) and she knew he hated it when she was crying but he couldn't really blame her, right?

" _Clarke, please I –"_

"What do you want from me Bellamy?!" Nagged Clarke furiously into the speaker, biting her lip down to suppress another whimper. She heard him swallowing.

"What am I supposed to do, huh? You are trying to break up with me and –"

" _I don't want to Clarke!"_ Insisted Bellamy and said, _"I just don't want to ruin everything for you. Can't you understand that?"_

" **No**. No I can't understand that Bellamy! Because this is exactly what you are doing right now. Ruining everything by telling me these things. I am happy, okay? I am happy with you right now and I don't care about what people think. I don't care what I want for the future, because I frigging don't know myself, okay? I just want to be with you. Only you. I don't care if your mom thinks we're not worth it. That we won't make it! I just don't want us to break up. Not like this. Not over the phone, not after tonight … not at all! All I want is to be with you. Why don't **you** get that? I decide what is good for me and not you or your mom or my parents. Only me!"

Her whole body was shaking, she tasted salt on her lips, from all the tears she was crying. Her hand whipped them away and she got out of her bed, knees so weak she had to remain where she was for a second because she was too afraid of falling.

"I'll come over right now!" She demanded, Bellamy trying to stop her.

" _No. It's storming outside Clarke! I won't let you walk over. It's too dangerous."_

"I don't care Bellamy! I won't let you break up with me over the phone!"

" _I am not Clarke. I promise. I'll come over tomorrow, okay? Please – be reasonable. I don't want you to get out of there and –"_

"Sorry," said Clarke and ended the call.

She switched off her phone and whipped away the tears. She was 16 but still couldn't drive – getting a driver licenses was harder than she thought it would be – so walking was her only choice. She didn't care what Bellamy told her, she would go to see him!

The blonde took a few more breaths before heading downstairs, hoping her parents wouldn't notice her red and swollen eyes, her thick voice when she told them goodbye, but of course it was different.

The moment she said, "I'm heading to Bellamy's", her parents knew something was wrong. They turned around and Abby got out of her seat so quick that Clarke wondered why the chair wasn't falling onto the ground.

"What happened?" Asked the blonde worried and Jake switched off the television, eyeing Clarke closely.

She had to stay strong, Clarke told herself. She couldn't break into tears again. She –

She started crying the moment Abby put her hand on her shoulder. The woman pulled her daughter into a hug, wrapping her arms around Clarke and hushing softly. Clarke sobbed into her mother's shirt while trying not to fall apart.

"B-B-Bell-Bellamy …"

"Did something happen to him?" Asked Jake and got off the couch alarmed.

"No … no, he …" Clarke couldn't say the words without falling apart.

She clenched closer to her mother, who was holding her more firmly. It took Clarke a few moments before trying to tell her parents what happened a second time. At this moment the phone was ringing and Jake disappeared, while Clarke spoke to her mother.

"He … his mother said that, that I don't fit into, into their … he isn't good enough and wants to … I think he wants to end this because he, he doesn't want me to give up everything and …"

Tears were stopping her from speaking any further. This wasn't fair. This was everything but fair.

"Oh honey," sighed Abby into Clarke's hair and swaying them a little.

Clarke took a deep, shaky breath. The familiar scent of her mother calmed her down. She made her feel safe and comfortable. Like everything was alright and nothing could happen as long as she stayed in these arms.

It was the moment Jake came back into the living room.

"It was Bellamy."

Clarke's head shot up, eyes red and her head already hurting like hell.

"He was worried because he couldn't reach you on your phone. He said you wanted to walk over?" Her father's eyes gazed outside the window, before turning back at her.

Clarke swallowed. "Yeah, I –"

"I'll drive you over," said Abby and Clarke knew that by the sound of her mother's voice that it was final. That she wouldn't accept any arguments.

That didn't mean Clarke wasn't trying to refuse her offer,

"No. I can take the bus mom. It's late and I don't know –"

"This is exactly the reason why I'll drive you Clarke! It's late, it's storming outside and you aren't in your best condition. Like hell I will let my only daughter walk through this hell! I will drive you to Bellamy's and if you want I can wait outside, okay?"

Abby took Clarke's face into her hands. The younger Griffin swallowed.

"You aren't alone Clarke. No matter what happen. Your dad and I will always be there for you. And you can call us at any time. We'll always come for you and pick you up. Okay?"

Her lips were shaking again. Clarke nodded and shot her eyes close for a second before breathing out loudly.

"We love you Clarke," mumbled Abby and kissed her daughter's forehead.

"I love you too." Returned Clarke softly before both women hit the road across the down to the Blake's house.


	2. I'll Never Be Your Mother's Favorite

**Bambiiluscious** *handing a tissue* Sorry (not sorry)? Maybe you need another one for this chapter. Thanks for reviewing my dear.

 **gymnast1150** Thank you for taking the time to read and review my first chapter. It's nice to know what people think about it. I guess you are right because this chapter will be intense as well, maybe even more ^^"

SUMMARY: Still in the flashback 2007. Bellamy's POV and his talk with his mother….

 **I'll never be your mother's favorite**

 **June 2007**

His heart jumped in his chest wildly. He glanced over at his mother who walked calmly to the car, after saying goodbye to the Griffins. She didn't say a word and Bellamy didn't ask, despite the fact that he was desperate to know what she was thinking. He tried to ignore the bad feeling in the pit of his stomach because he knew his mother inside out. Something was wrong. She hadn't shown it to the hosts but he could see right through it, although he hoped that he was wrong. That he read to much into his mother's silence, her body language. The nice smile she gave the Griffins during the end of their visit, which told him that something was bothering her.

But he didn't ask, didn't dare to start an eventual fight – not while driving in rain like this– and because he was too scared of knowing already. So Bellamy just let out a little sigh and got into the car, rubbing his palms over his legs the whole way back, gazing at his mother from time to time, whose eyes were glued on the street. He even started chewing on his bottom lip, asking himself if Clarke's parents would like him and mulled over the last few hours.

Nothing bad happened. Apart from him knocking the glass of soda down, all over the table. Or him starting to stutter when Jake asked him a usual father question; why he was with Clarke. He felt like an idiot now. Clarke had told him that her father would ask those question and if only to mess with Bellamy. Still, he hadn't been prepared. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

He knew exactly why he was with Clarke. She was generous, kind, sweet, beautiful, clever, funny, honest, passionate. Of course Clarke had her flaws but Bellamy didn't care. They were still in their beginnings, where everything was great and amazing. The reality would get them soon enough. A small smile formed itself on his lips, heart racing out of happiness when the car came into hold, the engine dead.

Bellamy opened his eyes. They got home. Again his eyes crossed over at his mother but she just unbuckled her belt, got out of the car and went inside the house. Bellamy on her tracks, no longer able of holding back the words that were bothering him the last twenty minutes. The moment the door fell in its lock he asked his mother, his whole body hyped up,

"So, what is it?" He couldn't hide his voice from sounding a little pissed already. He was sure now that something displeased his mother. She still hadn't said a word about meeting his _girlfriend_ and her parents. His mom seemed to avoid the subject, pretending like the last few hours hadn't happened, which why she asked, feigned ignorance,

"What is what?"

Bellamy huffed, the uneasy feeling in his stomach growing bigger.

"What is what? Please mom, you know what I am talking about. We just spent the evening with my girlfriend and her parents, both you saw for the very first time and you haven't said a word since we got into the car. I know you, something is wrong. So tell me what it is and don't pretend like this never happened because you damn know how important this was to me!"

His eyes were fixed on his mother who held his stare easily. Bellamy folded his arms, jaw clenching. Preparing of what was about to come. Aurora's eyes started to move slowly all over her son's face. Her face softened and a smile, a sad one, appeared on her lips. Bellamy swallowed, arms dropping down, his throat dry as the desert.

"You, you don't _like_ her." It wasn't a question. It was a statement. What other reasons would his mother have for beating around the bushes? She knew how he felt for her and didn't want to hurt him or his feelings so she stayed quiet (which wasn't helping at all).

Aurora took a deep breath.

"No. No, I think Clarke is wonderful. She is very sweet -"

"But?" Bellamy cut his mother short, totally confused.

Another loud sigh came out of Aurora, her eyes lying painfully on him. Like her next words would cut him deep (and they did).

" _But_ … I don't think she fits in here."

His jaw clenched immediately, the same happened to his hands. Bellamy swallowed thickly, eyes hard on his mother.

"How?" It was all he got out without bursting. His whole body was set tight.

Aurora took a deep breath.

"Look sweetheart, she … her world is a completely different one. You've seen how she lives. Their living area is bigger than our kitchen, bath and my room together! She's wearing expensive clothes, probably going out every weekend, buying everything she wants. Her world isn't yours Bellamy. We can't do our holidays at overseas or buying something just because we like it. Clarke and her parents seem nice, they really do, but she doesn't fit in here. Not in the long run."

With every word his mother spoke, his heart rate quickened, jaw hardening and the throat glued together a little further. Did she think he didn't know about these thing? Did she think he wasn't thinking about all these difference all the time? That he didn't have the doubts himself?

He knew in what kind of world Clarke was living in and in what kind he was. Two different worlds. He fucking knew that! So his mother didn't have to tell him this and making his doubts even bigger. Doubts that he was right for her … . Bellamy swallowed, trying to free his throat from the lump.

"I think you are cute together," pushed his mother further, which didn't make Bellamy feel better. It made him feel even worse.

"And you two are young and don't care about these things -"

"Damn right you are! She doesn't care where I'm coming from and neither do her parents," at least he hoped they didn't, "and -"

"She doesn't care _right now_ Bellamy!" She cut him off loudly. Lines of worrying forming on her forehead.

"She doesn't care right now Bellamy. But do you really think she'll be happy with this?" She shoved her hands around; like Bellamy needed a reminder in what shitty home they were living.

And right now Bellamy didn't know what hurt more. That his mother thought so superficial of Clarke or that she thought he wasn't able of escaping this shitty life. That he would be stuck in this world forever, not being able to graduate.

He huffed, licking his lips, feeling how the anger was boiling in his chest and it wouldn't take much more to let it out.

"She'll probably get a full ride and disappear. Clarke doesn't seem like the kind of girl who stays at Arcadia forever. And you know that."

This time his jaw cracked loudly, anger running through his veins aggressively and an empty laughter escaped his lips.

"Do you really think I'm not aware of this? That I'm so naive to believe that _this_ is something Clarke can live with forever? That this is the life _I_ want to live forever? Fucking God, I know that _this_ isn't good enough for her. I know that she won't stay here forever, okay? That she'll go to Yale or wherever to study and might become the fucking president of the United States! I know that I can't give her the life she probably deserves. At least not now!"

His voice got louder, huskier. He didn't notice but he started yelling at his mother. The anger boiling in his veins, taking over the control. His heart beat strongly in its chest, loud and full of rage. His eyes started to burn, everything he kept inside was rushing out now.

"Do you really believe that I don't know that she deserves better than me?"

"Bellamy," interfered Aurora, this time she was swallowing hard, sad-eyed.

"No mom!" He yelled, his fingers tickling, nerves flying high. Tears pooling in his eyes. "I have these fucking doubts myself. But -"

"I just don't want you to get hurt Bellamy!" Screamed his mother back and Bellamy's answer followed immediately,

"Which works really great, doesn't it? I mean what could hurt more than the fact that your _own mother_ doesn't believe you're worth loving someone 'above his station'. That your own mom doesn't believe in you and your ability of making it out of this fucking life? That she thinks so little of her own son -"

"You know I don't Bellamy! I want to protect you, okay? I hope, I hope so God damn much, that you'll do better than me. That you'll make it out of here. You and Octavia! And I'm sure that Clarke likes you and I can _see_ how much you like her, but I don't think you'll make it together. She won't be the one helping you out. She's too young. You are too young!"

"You don't know that!" Returned Bellamy loudly and tears started rolling down his cheeks.

Tears of anger, disappointment and fear. Fear that his mother was right. That Clarke wouldn't stay at his side, that she would leave him one day, when she realized that he might not make it out of here. Disappointed that his mother didn't believe in him. Angry with himself that he still thought so little of himself.

His whole body was shaking.

"You don't know it either Bellamy. I know that this isn't easy for you to hear -"

"Oh no!" Said Bellamy sarcastically, "It's the easiest thing to listen to. Getting told not being good enough for a girl I like and who doesn't care about my status but only about me. I'm totally fine getting told being I'm a fucking loser who won't be anything but this, social scum. People remind me of this all the time! But it frigging hurts getting told by your mother, mom!"

Bellamy didn't care if his words were loud and hurting. He didn't care if he was crying and shaking. He didn't care because he was so damn angry. He couldn't remember the last time he had been this furious and he knew that he never had been with his mother. But right now he couldn't care less.

"Bellamy-" Started Aurora but Bellamy didn't listen. He didn't want to. So he yelled loudly and rough,

"Screw you mom!" Before turning around and running into his room, slamming the doors so hard that it echoed through the apartment.

He locked his door, closing his eyes and leaning his forehead against it, swallowing hard, trying to get his heartbeat under control again, while his mother yelled,

"Bellamy Blake!"

He didn't say anything. A long silence stretched out and the more Bellamy tried to calm himself down, the angrier he got. His heart raced like hell, the blood rushed so fast through his veins that he could hear it. He swallowed a few times. Tears were streaming down his face and then, out of nowhere, he exploded and the anger bursted out of him. His fist met the surface of the door three times in a row, hard and fast and a loud, almost painful scream escaped his lunges.

The pain ran through his hand immediately, but Bellamy didn't care. He clenched his jaw and breath shaken, before throwing himself onto his bed. He laid there silently for a while, when a soft knock was on his door. His mother.

"Bell?" She tried to open the door, without any success. Aurora sighed.

"Bellamy I'm sorry. I didn't want to hurt you," She waited for him to respond, but he ignored her. He didn't want to talk to her, or listen to her right now! He chewed on his bottom lip while his mom continued,

"I love you Bellamy. You know that right? Because I do. I … I have to work now. Octavia is staying with a friend tonight. I'll … let's talk tomorrow okay?"

Still no response.

"Okay," Aurora said quietly and told Bellamy how much she loved him once more before heading out. Bellamy stared at the ceiling, gaze empty, his head full with thoughts. His phone rang a few minutes after his mother left the house and his heart got heavy when he saw the caller's ID: princess.

Bellamy swallowed, his heart beat quickly and the words of his mother yelled in his head while he took a few breaths. He didn't want Clarke to notice anything. He didn't want her to worry. This was something between his mother and him. So it took him longer than usually to pick up and even though he felt shitty as hell, he couldn't resist a smile coming up his face when he heard Clarke's happy voice and the words she was saying,

" _My parents like you!"_

His heart jumped and broke down at the same time. It was good to hear that her parents liked him. That he didn't mess up. He knew how important it was to Clarke that her parents were okay with this relationship, despite it wasn't any of their business. But just like him, Clarke was a family type. She loved her family as much as he did. Which broke his heart because his mother didn't approve the relationship; not really.

Bellamy tried to ignore the stabbing feeling in his heart and chuckled his response,

"Well, this is good, isn't it?" His eyes were closed, while imagining that Clarke was laying right next to him. The sound of her joyful voice truly calmed him down. He loved it, he loved her for this ability. He loved her … Bellamy swallowed hard at this thought, because they have never exchanged these words and now knowing that this might not be forever, he realized that he really loved her. His throat glued together and tears started to burn in his eyes again. His chest tightened as Clarke told him she wished he would be right next to her. The beat of his heart was loud, like a drumming sound.

Before Bellamy could answer he swallowed hard, trying to keep his voice under control,

"Me too."

He knew he failed the second he spoke. He knew he gave too much away by the sound of his voice. And the fact that Clarke noticed it as well didn't make it any better for him. It made him feel sick.

" _Something wrong?"_

Bellamy pressed his lips together, weighing how to respond, what he should say. He didn't want to worry her. Clarke didn't need to know what his mother was thinking of them. That he wasn't good enough and Clarke too superficial to being happy in the long run. That she would leave at the first opportunity and he would stick here forever. His tongue moved over his lips, his mind troubled what to say.

So there was a silence. A loud one, in which his heart raced so loud and fast like a hurricane. In which it was hard for him to breathe, his fingers tightened around his cell, listening to Clarke's worried _"Bellamy?"_ what broke his heart and him out of silence.

Swallowing hard he said with a rough voice what he was thinking, what he was feeling right now. That he missed her!

"I just miss you."

The tears burned in his eyes, they thickened his throat, shaking his voice and the sick feeling in the pit of his stomach got even worse when he heard Clarke swallowing on the end of the line. Again there was a long and painful silence, both of them trying to process what's happening, trying to keep their emotions under control, trying not to panic.

Clarke's next words ripped his heart out, because she knew something was wrong and he couldn't hide it any longer, which he still tried.

" _Bellamy, please tell me what happened. You are scaring the hell out of me."_

Her crying finished him off. He pressed his eyes closed, his hand formed into a fist.

"Don't cry on me princess," begged Bellamy. He hated it when she was crying. He didn't want her to be like this. And he especially didn't want to be the reason!

" _I'm not."_ Lied Clarke and her voice broke at the end. She sniffled and Bellamy wished he could embrace her, pulling her into his arms. But he couldn't. She wasn't with him right now. She was so far away … it never felt like this before.

"You are." Said Bellamy softly and rubbed his forehead when Clarke was yelling at him. He couldn't blame her.

" _Then tell me what your fucking problem is! Did I something wrong tonight?"_

"No -"

" _Was it something my parents did?"_

"No, no Clarke everything was just great tonight. It -" Tried Bellamy again, but Clarke cut him off again. She was so desperate to know what was wrong, so scared that she might be the reason for his current mood, which made him feel even worse.

" _But it has to be -"_

"It's my mom Clarke, okay?!"

Bellamy couldn't hold it back any longer. He yelled into the phone, it just broke out of him. His voice was mad and desperate at the same time. He felt so sorry and his heart clenched at her next words because it was so typically Clarke, that she thought something happened to his mother. So typically Clarke that she never thought his mother wouldn't approve their relationship. She had such a good heart, which made it fucking harder for him to tell her the truth.

" _Did, did something happen? Is she okay?"_

Bellamy rubbed his forehead, sighing loudly into the speaker, "She's fine."

" _O-okay … she, she doesn't like me?"_

His stomach clenched a little. It wasn't the exact reason but she was very close. Aurora's words repeated in his head; _Clarke and her parents seem nice, they really do, but she doesn't fit in here. Not in the long run. She doesn't care right now Bellamy! She'll probably get a full ride and disappear._

He gulped, "No, she does. She thinks you are a great girl."

" _I don't get it Bellamy."_

Why couldn't she leave it? Did she really have to keep digging? He sighed, long and loud. Then, his heart heavy,

"She … she doesn't think it's right."

Clarke's answer followed immediately, _"What does she mean by that?"_

Bellamy opened his mouth to answer but he didn't have the heart to tell her what this meant. He couldn't break her heart like his mother broke his. But of course Clarke asked again, with shaky words,

" _And what does this mean?"_

He closed his eyes, seconds of silence passing by and then something sank in. That his mother was right. That his doubts wouldn't go away, nor the undeniable facts about who Bellamy was and who he would always be.

"I don't know. It's just – somehow she is right."

His words were quiet, sad, broken. And Clarke's were too. Both feeling the tension between them. _"Right about what?"_

Again it took him a little longer to answer. Throat tightening with every word,

"She said that, look Clarke, you and your parents … you live in a complete different world than us. You have money and so many great opportunities. Me, I'll never be able to give you what you need. I'll never earn enough money to make your dreams come true. There won't be any holidays in New York or in Europe. No big house and fancy dresses or jewels. I won't go to a big university and become a doctor or judge. I'll be stuck here forever and I don't want to bring you down. I won't let you give up your dreams and chances. You deserve more than the life I can offer. Much more. You, you don't fit into my world in the long run."

His voice was low and thick, rough and shaking. His eyes burned with tears, realizing how true his words were. When Clarke responded he heard the tears, the fear of what might coming next. He felt it too.

" _That's_ _ **not**_ _true Bellamy. And you know that. You don't know what I want and what I need. Maybe I don't want a life like my parents have, okay? Maybe all I want is you, no matter what. May-maybe I don't give a shit about money and opportunities. This is not fair and you know that … just because your mom –"_

"It's not only because of my mom Clarke. We both knew about this –"

" _Exactly! This is why I don't understand why it's such a big problem right now. Which it isn't for me! You know that I don't care about money –"_

"Not now!" Bellamy cut her off and somehow he couldn't believe that he was using his mother's words. Clarke huffed offended, _"You don't –"_

"Come on Clarke, we both know that you want to study at Yale or Harvard or abroad."

" _Maybe I don't want –"_ Tried Clarke, but Bellamy cut her short again.

"And I don't want to be the reason for you not to go, okay? I couldn't live with that." It was the truth. He couldn't live with the fact that he was the reason Clarke didn't study because of him. That he was the one who brought her down, kept her in a place like this when she could been so much more.

" _You could come with me!"_ Suggested Clarke and her voice was filled with tears. Bellamy laughed an empty laughter, sourly and sad.

"You know I can't afford to live in a city like Cambridge. How would I earn money? With a job as what? A janitor?" He scoffed. "Yeah, amazing future prospects."

When Clarke didn't answer Bellamy sighed lowly, listening to her silent tears.

" _Clarke_ ," his voice was gentle, worry flew with it.

" _Please_ ," he pleaded, his voice rough from holding back the tears, unsuccessfully because he felt them on his cheeks.

"Clarke, please I –"

" _What do you want from me Bellamy?!"_ Nagged Clarke furiously into the speaker and Bellamy really couldn't blame her. He closed his eyes, trying to collect his thoughts.

" _What am I supposed to do, huh? You are trying to break up with me and –"_

"I **don't** want to Clarke!" Insisted Bellamy and said, "I just don't want to ruin everything for you. Can't you understand that?"

" _ **No**_ _. No I can't understand that Bellamy! Because this is exactly what you are doing right now. Ruining everything by telling me these things. I am happy, okay? I am happy with you right now and I don't care about what people think. I don't care what I want for the future, because I frigging don't know myself, okay? I just want to be with you. Only you. I don't care if your mom thinks we're not worth it. That we won't make it! I just don't want us to break up. Not like this. Not over the phone, not after tonight … not at all! All I want is to be with you. Why don't_ _ **you**_ _get that? I decide what is good for me and not you or your mom or my parents. Only me!"_

His jaw clenched. He breathed heavily through his nose because on one hand he knew she was right, on the other one his mom's word repeated in his head and she was right too. What was he supposed to do? He loved Clarke and he didn't want to lose her. But he couldn't bear it, bringing her down when her future seemed so bright. And his … his wasn't. Even though he wished it was different, he knew that it was wishful thinking to be in a better place one day.

They both stayed silent for a while, when Clarke told Bellamy that she would come over. This got him out of his stiffness. His eyes flew to the window, the rain got worse. He didn't notice that it was storming already.

" _I'll come over right now!"_

"No. It's storming outside Clarke! I won't let you walk over. It's too dangerous."

" _I don't care Bellamy! I won't let you breaking up with me over the phone!"_

He knew that he couldn't hold her back, not when her voice was any indication for her determination. He panicked because there was a fucking storm outside and Clarke couldn't drive, he had no car and like hell he would let her walk all this way!

"I am not Clarke. I promise. I'll come over tomorrow, okay? Please – be reasonable. I don't want you to get out of there and –"

" _Sorry."_

It was the last thing he heard before the ending signal. Bellamy froze. He stared into the room, his heart pounding, palms sweaty. His heart skipped a couple of beats and Bellamy looked at his phone. Did she just hang up on him? He licked his lips and dialed her number quickly. Mailbox. He tried it a second time. Mailbox again.

He jumped out of his bed, heart rate at its highest. She wouldn't walk over, right? She wouldn't be this dumb … right?

"Oh God please," prayed Bellamy towards the ceiling and walked back and forth. If he had a car he wouldn't hesitate to go, but his mother has taken their car to work. Bellamy licked his lips and dialed the number of his girlfriend one more time - still the mailbox.

Then the thought of calling her parents hit him. He opened the numbers and tried to remember the Griffin's telephone number. He tried it four times before getting it right. His heart beat hard in its ribcage, nerves tense. He breathed heavily, while waiting for someone to answer the call.

" _Jake Griffin?"_

His heart jumped, "Hello Mr. Griffin, it's Bellamy Blake."

" _Bellamy,"_ greeted Jake him concerned, _"Everything okay?"_

His stomach dropped. Judging by the voice of Clarke's father she might have told them already what happened. Bellamy swallowed. He didn't want to deal with a father's wrath, because he hurt Clarke's feelings. Not now.

"Uhm, yeah. It's just, uhm, I tried to call Clarke but she won't answer her phone. Is, is she alright? Is she with you?"

" _Yes, yeah she is here. She's with Abby right now … why?_ "

What did Jake know? What could Bellamy say without giving everything away? He closed his eyes, heart still pounding.

"Okay, good. It's just that she, she wanted to walk over and it's storming outside. I would pick her up but I don't have a car right now and well, I would stop by tomorrow but she didn't listen and she won't answer my calls, so could you please make sure she stays safe with you? A-and tell her that I'll come by tomorrow?"

" _Of course. I'll talk to her. But everything is alright?"_

"Yeah," lied Bellamy and he wasn't sure if Jake really believed him. He probably already knew, why would he asked again otherwise?

" _Okay."_

"Thank you." Said Bellamy relieved and said goodbye to the man on the end of the line. When he hung up Bellamy took a deep, calming breath. Everything was going to be okay.


	3. I'm Gonna Love U, Like I'm Gonna Lose U

Okay guys, here comes chapter 3. We are still in June 2007. The last chapter of the flashback. Have fun :-D

 **I'm Gonna Love You, Like I'm Gonna Lose You**

 **June 2007**

Clarke pushed the lump down her throat as she stood in front of the Blake's house. Her mother was waiting in the car but Clarke had told her to leave as soon as Bellamy let her in. She didn't want her mom to wait for her outside in the car. Not when it was storming like this. Also, this was something she had to do on her own.

If Bellamy wanted to break up with her in person she had to be on her own. She knew that she could count on her parents to pick her up any time, but despite that fact, it still was not easy standing here, waiting for the door to open.

Their talk ran through her head over and over. His words echoed in her mind, making her heart ache. Clarke took a deep breath and pushed the bell. Her heart hammered in her chest loud as a drum. It took Bellamy ten seconds to open the door. He scanned her with his eyes before looking at the car, relief rushing over his face because she hadn't been stubborn once this one time and let her parents drive her. Clarke kept her gaze on him, trying to read him but failed. He seemed just as nervous as her.

When Bellamy let her in Abby pulled back, leaving them alone.

Her teeth buried in her bottom lip as she took off her jacket and shoes. Her heart was still beating like she had just ran a marathon. Her nerves were strained to the utmost. She breathed in deeply and smiled nervously at Bellamy,

"Hey."

The corner of his mouth pulled slightly up, his eyes fixed on hers when he greeted her back.

They didn't exchange a kiss. Both too nervous and insecure of what was about to come, what they were allowed to do and what not. Without another word Bellamy led Clarke through the hallway into his room.

It was small, but Clarke loved it in here. The room didn't contain much besides a mattress, which was put on pallets, a closet and a desk with a laptop on it. Four bookshelves decorated the walls, just as some old and new pictures of things Bellamy liked, friends and his family – and them.

Clarke swallowed and pushed the upcoming tears away as her eyes captured the picture of them on their first zoo visit. It showed them in front of the panthers. The sun was shining and Bellamy laughed into the camera while Clarke gave him a peck on his cheek, a baby panther and his mother behind them.

"Octavia is staying with Harper tonight and mom is working, so ..." Explained Bellamy and pulled Clarke out of her thoughts.

"Okay," nodded the blonde and forced herself to take her eyes off of the pictures.

It felt weird. They both felt weird, trying to tiptoe around the subject. The reason Clarke came here in the first place. Their talk. His words. Their fears of losing each other.

Clarke didn't know how to start. Okay, maybe she did, but she didn't want to. She was too afraid that it would become real. A real threat when she voiced her thoughts. She didn't want to lose him. But being here, saying nothing but trivial stuff wasn't helping either of them. So Clarke closed her eyes, gathering up her courage by taking a deep breath before looking at Bellamy who talked first.

"I don't want us to break up Clarke."

His voice was as panicked as Clarke felt. His brown eyes pleading.

"Neither do I, Bellamy." Her words were sad instead this time. Hurt from the things he had said. "But you said those things for a reason and -"

"I know. I know and I am sorry Clarke. I- I don't know what to think anymore. On the one hand I know that my mom is right, that I can't give you what you want -"

Clarke opened her mouth to protest but Bellamy didn't let her.

"- but on the other hand" he pushed further "all I want is to be with you. I want my mom to be wrong."

"She _is_ wrong." Clarke stated almost desperate because she wanted him to understand that all that matters is them. Their love for each other.

Bellamy looked at her intensely, she saw his adam's apple bobbing up and down when he swallowed hardly, his tongue running over the bottom lip. Fear and doubts mirrored in his gaze. Seconds of silence stretched out between them and Clarke held his gaze, her heart beating nervously. She sensed that Bellamy wanted to say something, though he just kept looking at her.

"Bell -" Clarke started softly but Bellamy cut her off, his voice rough and thick.

"What if I'm not good enough for you?"

Clarke blinked, speechless.

"I don't want you to give up your dreams for me. I- I don't want to pull you down. You deserve so much more then … then this."

He raised his hand, showing around before looking back at her.

The blonde swallowed, shaking her head while processing his words. Tears were shining in her eyes as her heart started to bleed. She hated what Bellamy had said. She hated that he thought so little of himself and so high of her. He put her on a pedestal, high above the ground like the princess she wasn't. Like Clarke was perfect and he was full of failures. Like she was the light and he was the dark. And maybe they were. They were different but just as the dark and the light they couldn't live without each other. The light needed the dark to shine, to exist. She needed him. Why couldn't Bellamy see this?

Why did he think he knew what was good for her? What she wanted? Why did he have to push her away?

Because he wanted to protect her. He didn't want her to regret anything. He wanted her to be happy. Living the life she always wanted. And yet he didn't see, he didn't understand that she was already doing it. She wanted to live with Bellamy. Since she was with him, so many things had changed for her, in a good, really good way. Actually Bellamy knew that. He felt the same. Except that he thought that he wasn't worth being in her future … _being_ her future. And that hurt.

"You aren't good enough? Are you kidding?" said Clarke slowly, her voice shaking with tears and fear, "You are _perfect_ for me Bellamy! And I am for you. I-I know that you think you bring me down, that I may regret it someday and I'm sure there will be things that I'll regret. But these things won't have anything to do with you. I- I _need_ you Bellamy."

Bellamy swallowed, his gaze lost in her eyes. She heard him breathing and a loud drumming sound in her ears. Bellamy's jaw clenched. He still wasn't sure if he believed her words. If he was allowed to believe. And he didn't. Not when the way he said her name was any indication.

" _Clarke_ -"

She shook her head, forcing him to stop without telling him what she thought, how she felt.

"No Bellamy. No! Stop it, okay? I don't want to hear your explanations why we can't be together. Why we shouldn't be. I don't have a doubt when it comes to us okay? I already told you, I don't care if you have money or not. I don't care what people say or if you don't go to college. I. Don't. Doubt. Us. Of, of course we don't know what will happen but, but why do we have to ruin what we have right now by thinking about what could be tomorrow?"

Her voice was determined, eyes fierce and shining with tears. She almost yelled at him.

Bellamy sighed, rubbing his forehead before running his hand desperately through his hair. He walked back and forth in the small room, shaking his head and silence became their guest once again.

Suddenly he stopped.

His eyes raked over her, a look in them which made Clarke's stomach clench hard.

"Your parents like me?"

Clarke nodded. "Yeah, they do and so do I."

She whispered smiling and felt a shiver running down her spine, when Bellamy nodded, his eyes getting dark and fierce.

"Actually," hesitated the blonde, her heart jumping in its rib cage, "actually, I love you."

It was their first time. They were together for four months and it was the first time Clarke had told him these three magical words. She saw him swallowing, she _heard_ him swallowing and suddenly his eyes stood still. Brown met blue. Something shifted in Bellamy's eyes and Clarke started feeling nervous. She thought he would say it right back at her. But he didn't. He kept looking at her and … not that she doubted that Bellamy wasn't loving her just as much but still, his silence made her feel weird.

She bit her bottom lip, tipping from one foot to another, folding her arms over her chest like she wanted to shield herself from whatever was about to come.

But nothing happened. Seconds passed by and Bellamy didn't do or say anything. He just kept looking at her and her body flamed up under his gaze. The heat in her head grew, making her mind fuzzy. Everything was tingling. It was pure torture. Clarke let out the breath she didn't know she was holding when she couldn't stand the silence any longer.

"You know, if we want to make this work you have to say something too Bellamy."

He stayed silent. Swallowing, then he crashed into her. With two long strides he closed the space between them, taking her face into his hands, pressing his lips hard and desperate on hers.

With his force Bellamy pushed Clarke back a little, making her gasp into the kiss. But almost the second Bellamy touched her, her arms throw themselves around his neck, pulling herself upwards, closer into the kiss.

His lips were rough and hungry, determined and anything but insecure. His big hands framed her face perfectly, tilting it a little to deepen the kiss. Without asking his tongue entered her mouth, challenging her. A moan escaped Clarke's throat – or was it Bellamy, groaning into her mouth?

Hot and cold chills ran over Clarke's skin when she felt Bellamy pressing himself closer into her. He bit into her bottom lip, making it hard to breathe for a few seconds.

"I love you too." Bellamy mumbled against her lips, not daring to break the kiss.

Clarke smiled, her heart skipping a couple of beats. She didn't know that a love confession could sound so sweet and … _real_.

"God, I love you so damn much." Bellamy's hands moved along her neck, over her shoulders to her lower back, pulling her as close as possible.

"I don't want us to break up Clarke. I want to be with you." Groaned Bellamy and squeezed her ass with his hands.

His tongue was strong against hers, before Clarke broke the kiss. Heavily breathing. She felt dizzy, her heart jumped wildly inside.

"Me neither," she whispered huskily, her hands roaming over Bellamy's chest. "We'll figure something out."

Bellamy nodded. "I know we will."

Then Clarke pulled Bellamy into another kiss. She wanted it to be soft and gentle but it turned out to be a rough and hungry. It was all teeth and tongue. Desperate, clutching onto Bellamy's shoulders, low moans escaping the back of her throat when she felt Bellamy's hands gripping her hard on her waist.

"I want you. And only you." Bellamy's voice was rough and deep, filled with hunger and his hands roamed just as desperate as Clarke's over her body.

Clarke shuddered and pushed her tongue against Bellamy's while his hands disappeared underneath her shirt, taking it off of her.

With dark eyes he took her in, both heavily breathing. Bellamy licked his lips, eyes hot on her breasts before flickering up into her eyes. Clarke bit her bottom lip, her heart jumping in her chest and the throbbing feeling between her legs became unbearable.

Bellamy groaned. "You have to stop doing this."

He looked right at her lips, eyes blown wide and dark.

"Why?" Asked Clarke as innocent as possible. Judging by his looks she had a pretty good idea why she had to stop but she wanted to hear it from him.

"Because it's turning me on." Bellamy growled and freed her bottom lip from underneath her teeth with his thumb before bending down, capturing the lip with his teeth and sucked at it.

Clarke felt the heat burning through her body, her hands ran through the thick curls while Bellamy pushed her towards the bed and crawled over her, caging her between his muscled body and the soft mattress. Her eyes raked over Bellamy's face and only came into a stop when she noticed his fixed gaze on her. His brown eyes were burning a hole into her head. Heat flushed through her all at once. She didn't feel anything but the urge to have Bellamy as close as possible. They both stared at each other, heavily breathing and not saying anything. At least not with words.

His intense stare didn't even make her uncomfortable. Quite the opposite – it turned her on. She was incredibly turned on by his glance and the way his body hovered over her. Without second thought she pushed herself up, catching Bellamy's lips hungrily.

Clarke's fingernails scratched over the fabric of Bellamy's shirt before she pulled it off. It wasn't the first time they had gone this far, but they had never gotten any further. But this time it felt like the very first time she laid eyes on his naked abdomen. Like he'd never been this close before – and somehow he hadn't been.

Bellamy let his hands roam over her skin, setting her on fire and leaving her desperate for more. He broke their lips apart and started to pepper her neck with open mouthed kisses.

"Gosh Clarke," mumbled Bellamy and licked a soft spot between neck and shoulder.

"I am sorry for what I said. I want us to be together." He bit the same spot with his teeth.

"Screw everybody else. It's just you and me. We -"

Clarke gasped loudly, burying her fingernails into his shoulder blades because Bellamy suddenly stopped talking and sucked at the sensitive skin. A new wave of flaming heat pulsed through Clarke's body, reaching her lower belly, making her even wetter and hotter, more desperate for going further.

Her gasp seemed to encouraged Bellamy because he bit down a littler harder before letting go, his lips finding new skin to kiss to.

"We'll make it work. Together. We'll show my mother she is wrong. I -"

"Bellamy? Bell -"

Clarke put her hands onto his chest and pushed him away, making him stop talking. Bellamy frowned and opened his mouth to ask but Clarke spoke first. Eyes serious on him.

"Could you please shut the fuck up?"

Bellamy blinked in confusion, which made Clarke roll her eyes. Her hands wander over his chest and his shoulders, towards the back of his neck. Her gaze softened and she slowly started to smile.

"You need to stop talking and put more effort into _this_ " Her eyes darted between them. "I don't know if you have noticed but I am super turned on right now and I'm not sure we can keep going this way if you don't stop talking. I mean, yes. We'll figure it out and we'll make it work. Together and yes I love you Bellamy. But right now I just want … I just want this to be about us and not you talking about your mom and, well … okay, I should stop talking too."

Clarke felt a blush creeping up her neck. She would probably talk their lust down if she continued. She cleared her throat and looked at Bellamy who was still looking at her. He slowly nodded. "Okay."

Then he leaned down until their lips were only a few inches apart. His eyes were still locked with hers. The rain splashed loud against the window. The wind knocked furiously against the walls. Clarke felt Bellamy's warm breath rushing over her cheek. Her chest touched his while breathing almost silently. Clarke swallowed, not able to do or say anything. It was like Bellamy's gaze paralyzed her. She was so lost in the moment that she didn't even really realized that Bellamy's hand captured her cheek, his thumb gently caressing her skin.

Bellamy smiled. And then he was kissing her. Soft and sweet. Unchaste and deep. And it was the sweetest thing she ever tasted. Hesitantly she put more into the kiss, urging Bellamy forward. Piece by piece. Her hands moved down towards his pants, letting her tongue slide into his mouth, making him moan into her. Her fingers fumbled at the belt and pushing off Bellamy's clothes while feeling his teeth sucking on her lip. Somehow she got rid of the rest of her clothes too and it was all teeth and hands. Without a second thought, without hesitating and without thinking about what they were doing, Bellamy pushed into Clarke for the very first time. Both shuddering and panting.

The warmth enclosed her like a cocoon. She nuzzled deeper into the blanket, breathing in the familiar scent, which made her heart beat happily in her chest. Silence surrounded her but unlike yesterday it felt good. Safe. Clarke tried to fight her mind, which was telling her to wake up. She just wanted to lay here a little longer. Just a little. It was nice being covered by the soft blanket, having Bellamy's warm body next to hers.

Unfortunately the peaceful moment was over when she heard a phone ringing. Clarke felt a movement next to her; Bellamy who reached for his phone, while she kept her eyes shut. Whoever was calling, it better be important. When Bellamy's rough voice reached her ears, the blonde felt a hot feeling pooling inside her belly. It reminded her of their last night. Their first time. Her first time. And a promise. A promise that they'll go through this together. That they'll show the others how wrong they were about them. They would face it - together!

The blonde didn't pay much attention to Bellamy's words but recognized the change in his voice. It was thick, heavy, shocked. Clarke turned around, a frown on her forehead when Bellamy sat up straight, swallowing hard before hanging up. He stared at the wall, his face blank.

"What happened?" Clarke asked softly and sat up as well, trying not to be terrified by her boyfriend's expression.

Bellamy swallowed, tears burning in his eyes. He didn't look at her when he answered,

"My mom … she's dead."


	4. I'm Just A Coward When It Comes To Love

**I'm just a coward when it comes to love**

 **July 2015**

The sun was shining down her face, warming up her skin and making her smile. Her fingers were wrapped around a cold glass of ice tea while she had her eyes closed, listening to the singing birds around her.

Clarke sat on the porch by herself while her friends were inside, preparing the food for tonight. They all had gone on a trip for the Independence Day, which was today. It was kind of a tradition for them to celebrate this day together. And because everyone got a few days off from work they'd decided to visit the cabin Miller' family owned. It was by the ocean, a two hour's drive away from Arkadia.

It was nice to have them all around and so close because reality got them under control far too often. All of them were busy with their work, building houses or just trying to figure out what they want from their lives. So days like these were very rare and special. It felt just like being back in the good old days, where they were together all the time. It felt good … and yet it wasn't. Yet it was completely different.

They all brought their significant others and families along this year. So it was much louder in the cabin and more chaotic than it had been in the past. But Clarke didn't mind. She liked talking with Lincoln about art and playing with her godchild MARIE. She also enjoyed talking about the good old times with Monty and joking around with Murphy and Miller. It was nice and yet she felt worse with each day that passed by. It was getting harder and harder to keep up her face, the masquerade she put on when she was around _him_.

Around Bellamy … and his new girlfriend. Gina Martin. A woman whose company Clarke would really enjoy if it wasn't for the fact that she was with Bellamy. Gina was very sweet, and likable. She was a kindergarten teacher and a passionate musician. Clarke understood why Bellamy was with her. And yet Clarke couldn't stand her. Not as her best friend's girlfriend. Not when Clarke still had feelings for him.

Because she did. And Clarke hated herself for that. She knew it was ridiculous because Bellamy and her had broken up years ago. They both had moved on. Or at least she thought she did. But even when she was still studying medicine she knew that she hadn't let him go. That she still had feelings for him, which didn't go away until now. These feelings were the reason why she always had come back during the breaks. Why she had decided to do her residency at the Arkadia Hospital and not somewhere else.

Because she was still holding onto him. But Clarke never made a move. She always wanted to but she didn't know how Bellamy felt. She had never been brave enough to tell him that she came back for him, that she wanted to be with him. All they had agreed on were being friends and that's what they were – best friends.

And Clarke was grateful for that but at the same time it was her personal hell. Which became even worse when she learned about Gina almost a year ago. It's been a year and she still hadn't gotten used to Bellamy and Gina being in love. And they were. They both truly loved each other and that sucked even more. Because if they weren't, maybe Clarke would talk to Bellamy and tell him what she was feeling. She would have had hope that he felt the same. But he didn't, because his feelings for Gina were real. Gina was real. So Clarke had to move on for good.

And she wanted to move on. She really did. Clarke also wanted to be happy for Bellamy. He deserved a woman like Gina. A love like this. And as his best friend Clarke was supposed to be happy for him. For both of them. And she really tried. It worked lying to herself that the feelings would go away on their own, like they would just disappear and she could be happy and supportive for real. Most of the days it worked.

But then there were days like today, where she needed all her strength to keep it together. It wasn't that Bellamy and Gina were cuddling and kissing all the time. But even the little things like their smiles and the little pecks made her feel sick, making it hard to breathe. Clarke had to take some time off, being on her own so she could take a deep breath to calm herself down. Two more days. Just two more days and she would be back home, not having to torture herself every time she laid eyes on the couple.

Clarke closed her eyes. She had been alone for quite some time now and thought about getting back in when she heard footsteps approaching her. The steps were careful, like the person who did them wasn't sure if she was asleep or not. So Clarke opened her right eye and looked towards a nervous looking Bellamy. Her heart sank. She swallowed and opened the other eye, trying to put on a casual smile.

"Sorry," said Bellamy "did I wake you up?"

She shook her head, not trusting herself with words right now.

"Okay," whispered Bellamy relieved, but still didn't move an inch. She knew that he wanted something but he was too nervous to ask. Maybe afraid even? Maybe it was because she didn't say anything. Maybe he felt that something was wrong. That she wanted to be alone and was avoiding him, a little at least.

"Can I sit with you for a moment?"

Somehow this question broke Clarke's heart. They used to read each other like their own hand. They used to know when the other person wanted to be alone, what they wanted to say. But this had been a long time ago. Their relationship had changed. So many times. Especially since he was with Gina. Clarke didn't want it to happen but it did. Sometime and somehow in the past year their relationship changed and it wasn't the same. They still were best friends, but sometimes they felt like strangers to one another in moments like this.

Clarke's eyes raked over Bellamy who set his eyes on her and while his body stood straight and solid, his eyes gave everything away. He really was nervous. He really couldn't read her, so he wasn't sure what her answer would be. And neither was Clarke. Did she want Bellamy to be her company right now? After all she had been thinking in the last few minutes? That she was still in love with him and she wished that she could tell him.

Oh Clarke wished she could just switch off these feelings and be the friend Bellamy needed, that he deserved. But at the moment Clarke couldn't be this friend. She didn't want to be this kind of friend. And yet she was desperate to have some time alone with him. They hadn't been alone since they came here. Since a very long time to be honest, because Clarke tried to avoid situations like this. Situations best friends would be comfortable with, being alone, spending time together, talking.

"Clarke?"

Bellamy snapped her out of her thoughts.

"Hm? Oh yeah. Sorry. Of course." She moved a little so Bellamy could take a seat on the bench right next to her.

He smiled and she returned it but looked at her ice tea a second later. Her heart was hammering in her chest and she breathed in his scent a few seconds later. Everything in her body tickled. Her mind got foggy and Clarke hated her decision immediately. And it got even worse as they sat in silence for quite some time. It killed her. She didn't feel comfortable like she used to. It made her nervous. Bellamy and her exchanged a short, insecure smile. Which didn't help at all because - why was Bellamy as uncomfortable as her? Clarke took a big gulp of her tea, when Bellamy decided to break the silence – finally!

"So, everything's okay?"

He should have stayed silent. Was everything okay? Seriously? Well, not really but Clarke swallowed and nodded anyway. A scratchy "Yeah" was all she got out of her mouth.

"That's good," said Bellamy lowly and out of the corner of her eyes she saw that he looked down at his palms, kneading the inside of the left one with his right thumb. He truly was nervous. This and him scratching his neck were signs of pure nervousness. Her heart beat louder, slower. Her eyes flew to his face, trying to read his expression. Something was off. And somehow Clarke didn't like the feeling.

They fell into silence again. And again it was pure torture. It was unbearable, so Clarke was about to stand up but again Bellamy spoke up.

"You are my best friend, you know that right?"

He looked right at her, face determined and insecure at the same time. It took Clarke a few seconds before nodding again.

"I know." This time her heart beat faster. Her eyes studied Bellamy's expression. Nervous strikes rolling through her.

"And you can talk to me. About anything." Continued Bellamy and turned his body towards her, looking at her fully.

"I-I know." Repeated Clarke and hated not being able to say more than a few words. She is supposed to say so much more. God, there had been times where Clarke didn't stop talking to him. Where they chatted all day. And not like this. Silence surrounding them. And everything so insecure and forced.

"Okay. Because I have the feeling that something is wrong." Now his face softened. His gaze was full with care. And before Clarke could say or do anything he pushed further.

"If there is something I have done then you can tell me."

Clarke frowned. "I … there isn't anything." Except for the 'I still love you and don't want you to be with another woman' part.

"Are you sure?" He doubted and she couldn't blame him. She knew that she behaved different around him.

"Because I have the feeling that you are avoiding me."

She was. She definitely was. But she couldn't tell him, right? She couldn't tell him how she felt when he was around her or when he was with Gina. It was her burden to bear, not his. So Clarke thought about a different answer. Something he would believe. A lie.

Clarke licked her lips and shook her head. "I'm not. I …" She didn't know what to say. She wanted to lie to him. Tell him she thought about her dead friend Wells or her father. But she didn't. All she had been thinking in the last few days had been her feelings for the man in front of her. The man who looked at her so carefully and determined, who wanted to make sure she was okay.

Finally Clarke sighed. She shrugged with her shoulders and smiled apologizing.

"I'm sorry if I made you feel this way. Maybe I'm a little off these days. I don't know why. But this has nothing to do with you."

Automatically she put her hand over his and caressed her thumb over the tanned skin. It was a move she regretted immediately. Heat rushing up her cheeks, her heart pounded loud and fast, her stomach turned around.

"I promise."

She looked right into Bellamy's face which eyes were laid on their hands before he looked up and swallowed thickly. His eyes were fixed on hers and she could tell how much her words meant to him. That Bellamy believed her because he trusted her. He believed her when she was telling him everything was okay, even though it was a lie. Nothing was okay for her. Not when it came to Bellamy.

"Okay," smiled Bellamy and didn't break the contact, neither their hands nor their eyes. Seconds passed by and Clarke felt more nervous. Her heartbeat was at its high and her stomach felt like riding a roller coaster. Everything around her vanished. All she could see was his eyes. His damn brown eyes which were telling her how important she was to him. How much he loved her, even when it was in a different way then her love for him.

His eyes which ... which flew to her lips for a split of a second. It happened so fast that it might never happened at all but then he swallowed thickly and Clarke hold her breath. She looked at Bellamy and saw something glowing up in his eyes. Or maybe she just wished it did? Because he didn't show any attention to kiss her, which she had been so sure of, and smiled instead. He let go of her hand and nodded.

Clarke bit her bottom lip and tried not to feel too disappointed. He wasn't about to kiss her. He was with Gina. It was just wishful thinking, right? She cleared her throat and let her eyes move along the porch. Her heart still beating loudly, while her mind went crazy, thinking about if he would have wanted to kiss her or not. When the thought of it became too much Clarke decided to break the new created silence by asking if everything was okay with him.

Bellamy looked up, eyes a little wider than usually like she caught him at something forbidden. He licked his lips and took a deep breath before answering the question.

"I, well I'm not sure."

Her heart stopped.

"There, uhm, there is something I want to ask you, if it's okay."

Her heart started beating faster. She nodded, not letting go of his nervous face. "Of course." Her voice was a little edgy.

Bellamy started fumbling at his pocket, while saying, "I have thought about this for quite some time now and I'm sure I want to but then again I am to afraid of asking because I'm not so sure at all and, well," he pulled out a small box and Clarke's heart stopped for good. It was a small casket. One, probably every woman dreamed of getting. The blood stopped rushing through her veins, she stiffened, eyes wide in shock. This couldn't be ... this couldn't be an engagement ring. Could it?

He turned the box in his hands and looked at Clarke, nervous. Her heart raced like never before. Everything in her body got crazy. She didn't know what to think. She was afraid of letting her head speak and even more afraid of what her heart had to say, so she just kept looking at Bellamy.

"I, I want to ask Gina if she wants to marry me. Tonight."

She felt like she was falling into ice cold water. Her stomach clenched and her heart ached so hard that she thought she was having a stroke. Her fingers were shaking. Her face got blank, just like her mind.

"Do you think it's too early?"

Tears threatened to blind her gaze but she couldn't take it from Bellamy. It was hard to breathe, hard to live at all in this moment. The way he looked at her. Full of concern and so insecure if the timing was right. If he was right. He looked at her like he needed her to say that it was alright. Like these words would save him from drowning. It took Clarke longer than it should have to be able to breathe again, to say something that wasn't a love confession. Because that was all she could think about right now. That she was in love with him and didn't want him to marry Gina.

Even though she knew that the next words would be important. The next words would seal the fate she chose. Either way she told him that she still loved him, hoping that there still was a part in him that felt the same or she kept her mouth shut and told him what a good friend, a best friend would say. That everything was right and that she has no doubt of Gina's answer.

Clarke's eyes dropped to the little box in Bellamy's hands. How badly she wished he would be asking her right now.

She swallowed, forcing herself to help Bellamy fighting his doubts because she loved him. She loved him so much that she wanted him to be happy. She always hated such self sacrificing people. People who thought so little of their own luck and the worth of it, who put the happiness of the others above their own. But here she was, telling Bellamy what he needed to hear.

"She loves you Bellamy" Just like her.

"I have no doubts of Gina's answer. You are a great guy Bellamy. You, gosh can't you see how incredible you are? You are so sweet and kind and reliable. She loves you. So there is no 'too early' … only a too late."

Her heart broke at her last words. It was too late. Too late for them. Too late for her telling him how she felt. How much she wanted to be the woman by his side. Tears burned into her eyes, but she forced them away and put an encouraging smile on her lips.

Bellamy's jaw clenched. He kept looking at her like he wanted to make sure she meant what she just said. He started to nod and let his eyes drop towards the box in his hands. "Only a too late, huh?" He mumbled and something sad was in his voice. Like he was thinking about their past as well. Her heart skipped a couple of beats, her mind raced and she opened her mouth to tell him what she wanted to stay for so long, especially after seeing him looking like this. A little regretful.

But Clarke bit her bottom lip. Her throat glued together so she couldn't say anything. Anything but a "She loves you.". Because it was the right thing to stay.

She leaned forward then, giving him a soft kiss on his cheek. Eyes closed, throat dry and her heart broke apart the moment her lips left his skin. She smiled, feeling tears coming up and she decided to leave Bellamy alone. She went inside and straight into the bedroom she was sleeping in, before the feelings overcame her and she started to cry. She had made a call, letting Bellamy go for his own good, and now she had to live with it.

 **March 2016**

She had decided not to tell him then and she wouldn't in hell tell him now. Even when her friend's tried to convince her otherwise. Raven and Murphy looked at her in pity. Clarke swallowed hard and took a deep, shaky breath. Her heart was aching. Her hands sweaty. She could do this. She had to do this. Just a few more hours and everything would be done. Everything would go back to normal … except that it wouldn't. It would never be the same. Ever again. She knew it but she had to tell herself that she was going to be okay. That _they_ were going to be okay, otherwise she would break down. And if her friends kept looking at her like this she just might.

"Clarke," started Raven softly, but with so much pity that Clarke felt pathetic. Raven stepped closer, "You, you _have t_ o tell him."

The blonde shook her head. Holding up her hand to stop the brunette from talking and walking any further.

"No. No I can't. I… it's too late. I'm not going to tell him on his _wedding day_ Raven! I mean, I have no right to do so. I had my chance. I messed it up. He moved on. And as his friend I should be happy for him. He _deserves_ to be happy."

"But-" started Murphy but Clarke cut him off too. "No John! I'm _not_ going to ruin this day because I'm still in love with him. It's too late. _I am_ too late. I have to live with it."

Murphy chewed his bottom lip, like he wasn't sure if he should keep his mouth shut or if he should say what he wanted to say.

"Clarke … you, you should really go and talk to Bellamy." Repeated Raven and Clarke shook her head once again.

She swallowed thickly. Couldn't they leave her alone? It was too late! It was, wasn't it? Clarke took a deep breath. Or maybe it wasn't? Why should they keep pushing her to talk to Bellamy? Did they know something that she didn't? Something about Bellamy? Maybe he didn't want to get married? Maybe he was waiting for her confession so they could run off? Maybe... no. No she had to stop!

He loved Gina. She could tell by the way he was looking at her. By the way he talked about her. She knew because she had been this woman once. It felt like a lifetime away, but it didn't prevent from hurting less. It sucked. But like she said, she had messed it up and had to live with what she'd done. She straighten her gaze, before telling her friends,

"I won't Raven. And neither will one of you, okay?"

Murphy and Raven shared a questionable look.

"Okay?" Asked Clarke again, more firmly. Arching her right brow, looking at her friends skeptically. They had to remain silent. Today and probably forever. After a while Murphy and Raven sighed resignedly and nodded. "Okay."

"Good." Clarke took another deep breath, smoothing her dress once more before putting her face up high. "Then let's go to the ceremony."

Fifteen minutes later Clarke felt a thick lump inside her throat, tears burning in her eyes and it was getting harder and harder to breathe while Bellamy was giving his vow to Gina. She felt sick to her stomach and needed all her strength not to rush out of the church. It was harder than she ever thought it would be. Harder than she wanted to admit. Her teary eyes remained on her ex-boyfriend who was looking at his soon to be wife with so much love that it made her feel even worse. She was so jealous. She always wanted to be this woman in front of Bellamy. And not the one sitting in the first row. Clarke bit her bottom lip, trying to suppress a whimper.

When she felt a warm and soft hand above her own she looked down and then to it's owner. It was Murphy, who was squeezing it gently, comforting. He was trying to support her, taking away the pain. Her eyes flickered towards his face and he sent her a small encouraging smile. She swallowed, feeling the tears sticking in her eyes even more now before forcing herself looking back to the ceremony.

She cried like most of the guests by the end of the ceremony. But for a whole different reason than the others.

Breathing was hard. Almost impossible. With every breath she took the stabbing feeling in her guts grew bigger and bigger. Clarke swallowed down the lump in her throat and her heart ached with every beat, while her eyes laid on the smiling bridal couple which was dancing between their guests. Happy and in love.

It was more than ridiculous but Clarke thought she should be the woman in Bellamy's arms right now. She should be dancing and laughing with him. Excited for their future. Of course Clarke knew that she had her chances. She could have told Bellamy about her feelings all those months ago and she always had decided to stay silent. It was the best for him. He always smiled when Gina was around, he was always so happy. She made him happy, not Clarke. And the blonde knew that it was totally wrong to keep holding onto their past but somehow she was too afraid to let go. Even though she knew it would be the best, for her and for the relationship with Bellamy. She had to move on and not keep thinking about what they used to have.

And to show her how right she was about thinking letting him go or maybe just to score her off the fate changed the music into "used to" by daughtry.

Her whole body tightened while the first lines of the song sank in.

 _You used to talk to me like I was the only one around._

 _You used to lean on me then only other choice was falling down._

They used to have everything and she messed it up. It was her fault and Clarke knew that but it didn't make it any easier. It still hurt like hell. Her throat tightened and tears glittered in her eyes which she tried to hid with a smile when Bellamy caught her gaze. He was swinging Gina over the dance floor and looked at Clarke over his wife's shoulder. His wife … Clarke wanted to puke. They both looked at each other and it never felt more wrong. His lips curled into a smile, a generous one.

One that always had made her heart jump high out of joy. But not this time. This time her heart got broken. The blood pulsed loudly through her veins. Every beat of her broken heart was louder than the one before. Clarke swallowed and tried to keep up her smile. She really tried to hide her feelings, all her sadness and regret but when Bellamy's smile changed, just about an inch, into a sad one, she knew that she failed. That Bellamy still knew her and that he probably always would. No matter how hard she tried to trick him … and herself.

She broke the contact when his gaze and the feelings inside her got too heavy. Also Murphy caught her attention by plumping into the seat right next to her, which she was secretly grateful for.

He looked exhausted and grabbed the beer glass on the table. Clarke chuckled when he didn't stop to gulp down the golden liquid. When he did, he breathed out heavily and looked at her.

"So you still can smile."

Clarke stayed slient and Murphy sighed, rolling his eyes. "I didn't say you have to stop."

Clarke chewed on her bottom lip, her eyes flickering over the couple of the day. She saw how Murphy followed her gaze and sighed once more.

"Would you like to dance?"

"No, not really," mumbled Clarke and took her eyes off of Bellamy who was holding Gina in his arm now while chatting with Miller and Monty.

John moved the chair a little closer, putting one hand on the back of Clarke's seat and leaning on his other arm on the table. He eyed her for a moment, intensively.

"I think you should dance Clarke." His eyes flew over to Bellamy and then back at her. Again she shook her head.

"I'm not in the mood John." Her voice was quiet and she wished he would just leave her alone. Of course she appreciated his offer, the try to change her thoughts into something better but right now all she wanted was to be alone. Suffer in her pathetic self-pity a little longer. But Murphy wouldn't be Murphy if he would just give up, so he pushed further.

"Come on Clarke. You can't just sit here all night and torture yourself by stalking them all the time."

"I am not stalking them," hissed Clarke with such a force that made Murphy smile.

She knew that Murphy was right. That she was just torturing herself with sitting here and not doing anything but watching. She looked at the bridal couple once more before breathing out heavily.

"But you are right." She pushed the chair back. Murphy frowned, surprised by the power his words seemed to of had on her.

"I, I think I should go."

He let his head hang, sighed and rubbed his eyes. "This was not what I meant Clarke."

"No, no I know it wasn't, but" she swallowed, "but I", she swallowed again, "I just don't want to be here any longer."

John looked at her closely, studying her, before breathing through his nose and nodding.

"Okay, then let's get you home."

"You don't have to Bellamy. I -"

She stopped immediately, realizing how she just called Murphy. Sorrow was in his eyes and he opened his mouth but Clarke corrected herself quickly. Her heart pounding painfully.

"John."

She sighed and swallowed. She had called him Bellamy internally because he always had been the one who brought her home. He always had been the one who let go of everything and made sure she would come home safely.

"You don't have to John." Tears pooled in her eyes, still thinking about Bellamy who always had been so protective and sweet at the same time.

"I can go home by myself." She put her hand over his one on the table and smiled thankfully. "But thanks."

"I know you can. But we both know that Bellamy would kill me if I would let you." He grinned playfully and Clarke smiled quietly and tears shined in her eyes once again. Her heart clenched, while she mumbled her return,

"I wish he would."

Her voice was heavy and the knot in the back of her throat grew bigger. She wished it would be like that. That it was the truth, because it would mean that she still was Bellamy's everything. The one he cared about the most, besides Octavia. It would mean that everything was how it should be, like she wished it was. But a glance over to her former boyfriend showed her that no matter how hard she wished for it, it would never happen. That someone else had taken this place instead. That Gina was his wife, not her.

Murphy's little chuckle snapped her out of her thoughts.

"Yeah … me too Clarke. Me too."

It sounded amused, but also sad and pitiful. His laugh faded and turned into an encouraging smile. Then they walked towards Bellamy and Gina to say goodbye.

Clarke told herself to hide her feelings and tears, when she straightened herself up and put on a sweet smile as they reached them at the bar.

"Hey," smiled Gina and Clarke knew she had to make it quick, otherwise she would start to cry. And that really was the last thing she wanted to do right now.

"Hi," returned Clarke and avoided looking at Bellamy when she said it,

"Uhm, it was a really nice party but unfortunately I have to go."

"Oh no," complained Gina and looked at the clock on the wall, "It's just half past twelve. We haven't gotten the cake yet."

Clarke swallowed. She had to keep holding on to the masquerade. Out of the corner of her eyes Clarke saw Bellamy shifting. She ignored him.

"Yeah, I know and I am really sorry, but I just got a message that there will be an unexpected surgery tomorrow where I can assist, so I think it's better for me to quit drinking and head home for some sleep."

It was a lie. A pure lie and when Gina pulled her into a hug to say goodbye, Clarke saw into Bellamy's eyes that he didn't believe her. That he knew she was lying. She could tell by the way his jaw clenched and his gaze hardened. And her looking sorry and regretfully at him didn't help convincing him otherwise.

But he didn't say anything. He just swallowed and Clarke tried to take her eyes off of him but she couldn't. They kept glaring at each other intensively until Gina ended the hug and made Clarke smile at her. The numb feeling in her gut grew bigger when she saw the honest and generous smile of the brunette.

"Thank you for coming."

"You're welcome." Clarke tried to mirror her smile but failed. Her heart clenched, she felt so bad for feeling so jealous of Gina who was the nicest person she could imagine for Bellamy to be with. Guilt boiled inside her, so she moved on to say goodbye to the groom, which was the real torture.

Her heart beat so fast that it was about to explode. Everything was different now. Nothing was the same anymore. He was married now. He had moved on and she? She was still the pathetic young girl who was still in love with her former boyfriend. Who hadn't been brave enough to talk to him about her feelings. Her throat was dry and glued together. It was hard to breathe and every fiber of her body was screaming. Her skin was on fire and she felt like bursting into tears within the next two seconds.

But she couldn't show him. She couldn't let it happen. Clarke wasn't allowed to break down in front of them. She needed to stay strong like she had been in the past. So the blonde forced her lips into a smile and spread her arms so she could say goodbye to the man in front of her.

"Thank you for the invite." She said and hoped that her voice sounded steadier than she felt. When she put her arms around Bellamy it felt so unreal, so feigned. It felt wrong, like it wasn't them. Like they were two different people, people who didn't know each other at all.

And yet it felt so good to be in his arms. Having him so close, breathing in his familiar scent and feeling his heat through her clothes, his breath on her skin. It felt like _home_.

It took all her willpower not to snuggle into him. Not pulling him closer or to cry into his chest.

"Well, thanks for coming," retorted Bellamy and her heart skipped a beat when she felt his arms wrapping themselves closer around her. He pulled her closer, just for a second and only for her to see (and to feel). One second. He squeezed her, like he wanted to tell her something. Something he couldn't voice. She was about to melting into his arms when he pulled back, letting her go. Clarke had to resist the urge of pulling him back again. She missed his warmth already.

They both looked into each others eyes when they pulled apart and this time her smile was small, but it was real. Just like his and a shiver ran down her spine because if they would still be together this would have been the moment he pulled away a strand of her hair and gave her a soft kiss.

The sudden memory made her eyes teary again. She blinked and was forced out of the moment by Murphy's subtly coughing. Clarke blushed and looked away while Murphy said goodbye to Bellamy as well.

"You too?"

"Yeah. I'm getting her home. It's on my way anyway."

No it wasn't and they all knew.

Bellamy gazed towards Clarke for a brief moment, like he wanted to make sure she knew about this. Then he nodded.

"Okay. Get her home safe." He looked at Murphy seriously, almost threatening. But John didn't seem to be impressed by this gaze. Maybe he had seen it way too often. His eyebrows just scooted up for a brief moment before saying "I will" and turning towards Clarke, ready to go.

The blonde wished she could stay. She wished that she could go home with Bellamy but she couldn't. Never again. So once more she put on a fake smile (one Bellamy probably could look through).

"Okay, so … have a good night and I'll see you."

Bellamy and her exchanged a quick last glance, then her eyes fell towards Gina whose eyes went from Bellamy to her, an indescribable gaze in it, and Clarke felt even worse now. She swallowed and smiled at Gina once more who forced herself smiling back. Suddenly Clarke couldn't leave fast enough. Her whole body was tensed and it wasn't until Murphy and her were in the taxi when she broke into tears, sobbing into her friend's shoulder.

This night was the worst night she ever had in her entire life, that's for sure.

Three months later Clarke met Lexa Woods and suddenly things didn't seem so bad anymore.


End file.
